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Little Timmy
Timmy was a little five year old boy that his Mom loved very much and, being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school the couple of days but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the "big boys." He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it.
She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well so she agreed.
The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.
As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally, he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yea, I know who she is." The little friend said, "Well who is she?"
"That's just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy said.
"Shirley Goodnest? Who in the world is she and why is she following us?"
"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the prayer psalm says, "Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life," so I guess I'll just have to get used to it.
Taking a Centipede to Church
A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (a 100-legged bug) that came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him, so he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about The Lord?"
YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS!
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes.
Stop! Acts 2:38!"
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done . . . As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.
Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!"
Jesus Is Watching
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you".
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a
bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you. "The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are any way?"
"Moses," Replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed.
"What kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird promptly answered: "The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!
My Rolex
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side.
The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I cannot believe how materialistic you lawyers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"
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